My fight, my battle, my journey

My body if tired, I have fought so long, how to prepare what you are unsure,of the future steps I now have to take, I will be strong, happy and give it all it takes, life unfortunately hasn't been for me, but I do have amazing friends and family, so to rap up this poem I will say, I love you all each and every day 🧡

When I was first diagnosed and before I was diagnosed, I was extremly scared of needles, injections, tablets (swallowing then and them getting stuck in my throat), any medical procedures and biopsys and ops, NJ tubes, etc.  If I knew I had to have a needle or have to take any medication or have any procedures or ops,etc. Done I would worry about it and frett about it. I would also be very anxious every time I knew that they would be happening, as soon as I would be told all the emotions/feelings would come at me. When I got diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia I knew that things like my fears and phobias i would be facing a hell of a lot and i had only one choice and that was to face everything chucked at me. I knew that it was not going to be easy, but i knew facing my fears and phobias is what I had to do whether i liked it or not. 11th April 2020 i will have been fighting acute myeloid leukaemia for 2 years exactly to the day !!! I am 25years old now and i can say i believe i have ...

When you are poorly of any description or you have a conversation or if you think someone is feeling down etc. One of the first things people say to you or ask you is HOW ARE YOU???...... The answer for this can be easy if you are having a good day, but when you are having anything other than a good day the answer can be far from easy!! When the answer is mostly like yes I'm kinda ok, or I'm ok thanks to I'm doing well as I can be are sometimes the most easy and simple answers I can give and truly being honest I might not know how I truly feel or I cannot explain what I am feeling as there are no words for the emotions I have and am thinking about, the best way I can explain how I feel majority of the time is NUMB!!!.  When you feel NUMB it doesn't mean that there is no emotions/feelings inside you it's a feeling that what you feel you just can't get out. When you are a cancer fighter or you have had cancer they are the people that understand how other cancer f...

When you have cancer alot of your days are hard! There are days where you feel like you can do everything and there are days where you feel and can't do anything. Today is Saturday 29th February 2020, and today I'm having one of those not able to do anything days. Every saturday we go to my nan's to see her and my aunties and uncles and little cousins. More times than not on previous weekends I've been able to mess around with my little cousin and more importantly do alot for myself. Today I am having an extremly bad day. This morning I woke up at 0830am and I had to have help getting dressed from my mum. I descided today as I feel awful I'm going to wear clean Pjs and fluffy socks on my feet and then I will be as comfortable as I can be. Because my body is really swollen due to fluid retention and it's also really uncomfortable I've had to borrow and wear my dads spare pair of shoes due to the fact I cannot fit my feet in my own shoes as my feet have swall...

Its 04:52am on the 9/2/2020, outside is extremely windy and you can here the wind blowing everything around. I'm laying here with pains in my legs (think that is what has truly woke me up in the first place), so I thought right I'll go got a wee and then once i get back into bed I'll try and go back to sleep. So i went for my wee and then went back to bed, wind was making so much noise/howling i didn't like it I just laid here and laid here, things and feelings keeps wandering around my head, I'm trying to switch off but the things I'm thinking about are so strong it like i cannot switch off how I'm feeling and my mind is working overtime. All my worries about what treatment I am facing next to worrying about what damage the wind is doing outside as well as being in extreme pain in my legs and feet I could honestly cry but my body won't let me cry no more. Months ago/years ago I used to sleep so deeply and I would go through the night getting no pains ...

Day 22: monday 20th august 18: Last night I slept like a log, I didn't sleep with any pyjama bottoms on last night because my bottom and front needed to air (due to the fact my skin was extremely sore and some areas were broken skin). I had a foot massarge and my finger nails painted. The male nurse told me that today my neutrophils are 0.87 so that means I'm not neutrapenic anymore! 😀, the doctors are saying that possibly next week I will be allowed to be discharged home. Today i ate 1 peach muller corner yoghurt. Today also I had a physiotherapy appointment where the physiotherapist came to me on the ward and gave me some exercises to do each day and increase each day. Day 23: tuesday 21st august 18:  Mum and my brother visited today. I also saw my clic Sargent worker who is sending my wish thing off today. I drank a fortisip drink (special build-up drink) and ate 6 chilies cheese bite things from burger king (freshly made). I sat in my red armchair and did my exercises. The...

Day 15: monday 13th august 18:  Today I have a feeling my mucusitous is back 😭. A nurse said this morning that my neutrophils are 0.55 which means my immune system is growing again which is a good sign, but she said it's still very early. I had blood taken from my arm today so they can check my tacrolimus levels, my hickman line bled fine this morning again, I had my pre-meds and then had my ambisome IV infusion. My nutrients feed last night was ok, I ate a yoghurt, I'm still got blood in my urine. Later on I ate a vanilla muffin and then ate 1/2 of a chicken tikka and rice meal. The doctor came round and is happy with me, later I ate a tuna and mayo sandwich. The doctors then came round this evening and they said that they happy with me, I told them I feel like I have a sore throat so they are aware. Then later on I ate 1 packet of prawn cocktail crisps , had a strawberry milkshake and ate a yoghurt. Day 16: tuesday 14th August 18:  Last night I didn't sleep a wink last n...

Place: quadram institute N&N Time: 9am Came out: 12-30noon (approx)             What happened? At 7am mum attempted to put the enema up my bottom.  0730am I went to the toilet and passed some of what I needed too.  0800am we left to be on our way to the hospital. When I got there I saw a nurse who asked me medical questions and for me to sign my concent forms,etc. I told him I didn't know if the enema mum did worked, due to the fact that hardly any of the enema liquid went in.  He said that if I get in there and it's not clear enough when they put the camera up my bottom then they can enema me again using the flexi-sigmoid camera, but that means they will need to look at how far they can see first before I have any sedation as if I need another enema being sedated would make me wobbley on my feet and sleepy so I wouldn't be able to go to the toilet to clear my bowels. So he put a canula in my right hand and I went into the procedure room. They checked how far they could...

Week 5: day 29: Monday 27th october 19: Saw doctors and consultants they said they happy with me. The consultant said "tomorrow physiotherapy needs to see me and start and the eye doctors need to look behind my eyes to see what is going on with my focus". He told me the aim for this week is to get my temperatures down and potentially I could be going home by the end of the week but that's all being well and depending how things go. He said "he won't send me home having tempetures or riggor fits". So that is reassuring me. Week 5: day 30: Tuesday 28th october 19: I saw the consultant and doctors this morning and they once again said they happy with me, and they want me to have a pet scan, when they said that I thought what is it going to show a elephant?? 🤣.. They said they want me to have the test as it may show where my infection is hiding as they haven't managed to find a infection or whatever is making me poorly yet with all the scans and tests they ...

Week 3: day 15: monday 13th october 19: Saw the doctor who said that my blood count has come up slightly again today, and that my infection marker in my bloods have come down slightly which is good. The nurse ordered me a air mattress as I have a open sore on my bottom. Week 3: day 16: Tuesday 14th October 19: Today I feel slightly better than I felt yesterday, the doctors have said that my bloods have slightly improved again. I'm still having temperatures and riggors though, and today I managed to take some of my tablets unlike yesterday where I couldn't. Week 3: day 17: Wednesday 15th october 19: Last night I had a small riggor and then I spiked another temperature early hours of this morning. At 0910am I i've just had another riggor as my tempeture spiked so I was shaking loads again, so I was given pethadine which makes me stop shaking and calms it all down which is a improvement. I am feeling a bit more better today which is a step in the right direction. I was that th...

Week 1: Day 1: monday 30th september 19: Today I came up to the n&n hospital for my normal clinic appointment at 12noon. They checked my obs and bloods which showed i had a slight temperature and my neutrophils are 0. They said in clinic that I needed a platelet transfusion but the platelets wouldnt be at the hospital till about 4pm as they coming from cambridge. When it got to 4pm we went back to clinic and my tempeture had risen to 37.8°c, so the nurses and doctor in clinic decided to admit me to the ward straight away. They weighed me once I wa on the ward which said I weighed 99.3kg and found out my height is 161. The doctors on the ward put me straight back on IV antibodics again as they believe I have a infection that oral antibodics isnt working for and also I'm extremely constipated. The doctors said i need to have something to loosen my bowels so things are easier to pass. Week 1: day 2: tuesday 1st October 19: Today I saw dr professor bowls who said that they are chan...

DAY 1: THURSDAY 12TH SEPTEMBER 19: I got admitted about 1pm, saw a nurse who said I may need to have a picc line put in for a temporary period or have a canular put in for a temporary period also, as there was alot of emergancys to have hickman lines fitted and there wasn't a space for me to have mine fitted today. I was really worried about this as my veins aren't that big.  Saw the doctor later who said that my hickman line is booked to be fitted tomorrow morning so I don't need to have a picc line or a canular. Then he said after I've had my line fitted and I'm back on the ward I will be starting my chemotherapy for 10 days. After 10 days of chemotherapy depending how it goes and how my blood counts recover after, etc. Depends on how long I'll have to stay in after chemotherapy it could be up to 2 weeks to 1 month or even possibly longer. But saying that he said I may be able to go home the same day as the last day of chemotherapy. And then when discharged fr...